what's next?

Dearest (insert name),

If only you accepted me for who I was back then, I wouldn't be in this state. I would've been the same person or better. Then you had to have an interest for someone else and I kept blaming myself. I blamed myself for being too naive, too nice, too generous, too goody-two-shoes for your own good. So I decided to change. Change to the person I thought you'd like. I picked up drinking again. I became more reserve because I wanted to be more aware of people's movement and reaction towards me.

I actually gave each individual a "timeframe". How long a person would remember my name, my actions, how we actually met each other and so on. Roughly about half of those people I supposedly "met" forgot my name after 15 mins of introducing myself to them. Secretly, it hurt quite a bit. Because what ever you do, it became unnoticed. How much you put your effort into it, unnoticed. That's how I feel everytime.

So I pulled back because it hurts lesser. I don't need my friends to introduce who I am. I'll always pray that their "meeting" would be a brief one cause you know, I won't realised the hurt and I won't be disappointed by their actions. Sometimes my friends won't even introduce me. I'll ask myself, "Do I embarrass them?". Yeap, THAT pathetic.

So you see dearest (insert name), I'm this way because of you. You could just say what you didn't like about me and I'll try to be a better person.

I'd do anything to be noticed by people. To be singled out from a million. To be different.

Sincerely,
Fazlinda